45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

Disclaimer to LuLaRoe fans:

I’m not making fun of LuLaRoe, I’m making fun of my ADHD, anxiety, and inability to follow simple directions. Please no hate messages! I’m really looking forward to slipping on some TC’s in the near future.  XOXO PC

LuLaRoe paulina combow45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

  1. Yay! My first LuLaRoe party!
  2. Hurry up and let me buy all the leggings so I can start my new pants-free life!
  3. I’m on the page, where are the clothes?
  4. Where is albums?
  5. Why are there so many albums?
  6. These are all big shirts with girls’ names
  7. Why can’t I find leggings? I thought it was just leggings.
  8. There’s no way I wear “One Size”
  9. I can’t see the prints on this tiny screen
  10. This it taking forever to load, I’m gonna have to get a new laptop
  11. I can’t afford leggings if I need a new laptop
  12. I can’t see this. Do I need glasses?
  13. I can’t afford leggings if I need glasses.
  14. I’m just gonna search leggings
  15. Nothing came up when I searched leggings
  16. How did nothing come up for leggings on a LuLaRoe shopping party?
  17. I found the leggings!
  18. I’ll have to get an eye exam. How much do those cost?
  19. I don’t even have an optometrist.
  20. I bet Kate Spade has some really cute frames.
  21. Oh look, leggings with glasses!
  22. Ok, how do I add these to my cart
  23. There is no cart.
  24. I’ll just “like” it, maybe I can find it later
  25. Do people really buy valentine’s day leggings?
  26. If I got those I’d be wearing them all year
  27. This giraffe print is cute, but that one on the thigh would make me look like I have a penis.
  28. How do I see if they have leggings with pugs on them?
  29. Who do I ask?
  30. Is there like a personal shopper?
  31. Would it be easier to just make my own leggings? This might be a job for Pinterest and Joanne
  32. What’s the host of the party doing right now?
  33. Am I supposed to ask questions?
  34. I feel like writing bitchy comments on some of these
  35. I guess its rude to say I don’t really like the prints
  36. Nobody else is leaving snarky comments, boo
  37. Is this one of those things where I have to buy something or it’s gonna be awkward?
  38. Wait, the leggings have different names too.
  39. There’s more than one style of leggings?
  40. This feels like work!
  41. I feel like I’m the only stupid person who can’t figure out how to buy leggings
  42. How can I make it just show me leggings with animals on them
  43. I’m so tired.
  44. This feels like looking at wallpaper samples for my thighs.
  45. I think I’ve done enough tonight, I’ll try again in the next party
For actual information on LuLaRoe, check out their website. 

Missed Connections – WEHO Target

“Sorry, I’m not going to read your passive aggressive note.”

shit show short storiesTo the person who dropped an anonymous 2-page note on the counter while I was paying for my stuff at Target:

Hi! I’m Paulina. I’m not sure how many anonymous notes you left today, so let me describe myself to you. I was the tall blonde in a navy top pushing my pug in a shopping cart. I don’t know what you look like because you waited to drop the note when I was looking down at the card reader. By the time I signed and looked up, you were long gone.

At first, I was confused by what it was, since I was minding my own business in a crowded Target checkout lane. But then I saw the handwriting and the first few words about “Pets and Therapy Dogs,” and immediately realized what I was dealing with.

I looked up at the cashier and said, “It looks like I was just given an anonymous note.”

She didn’t understand “I thought that was your friend or something,”

‘NOPE! I just moved here! Don’t have any friends yet. Do you want to be my friend?’ I screamed inside my head, but on the outside I just shrugged, and left the note sitting there.

There was a lot of stuff going on in my head as I loaded up my bags, took the elevator down to the parking garage, and loaded up my car. Did I do something wrong? Should I have read that note? What if it wasn’t a mean note? Who the heck was that? Are they following me now? Why didn’t they just say something?

maria bamford target pug
“Don’t get me in trouble when i’m at Target, boobear.”

But guess what I decided?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t hurt you or anyone else. You saw me with a dog wearing a backpack (with whipped cream on his whiskers from the puppuchino he licked up at Starbucks) and you made assumptions about me.

I can’t say what those assumptions were because I didn’t read it. Just like America doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, I don’t waste my time on passive aggressive peace stealers (except to write blog posts about them).

If you’d used the time it took you to find paper and a pen and write me that note to talk to me, who knows what cool things would have happened. I was waiting in line for at least 10 minutes; you had plenty of chances to say ‘Hi.’

I can tell you’re observant! Did you also see the woman and small child that cut in front of me in line? Did you write them a note too, or does that not qualify? Did you notice that I didn’t get mad, or even roll my eyes at them? I figured they made an honest mistake and it wouldn’t hurt anything to let them go ahead of me. She wasn’t hurting anyone, and probably only set me back an extra 2-3 minutes.

Also, did you give notes to all the people who had their dogs in Target? There were a lot because they ALLOW dogs at this Target. But maybe that’s beside the point.

My point is…

You don’t know me. You don’t know my story or my situation, just like I don’t know other people’s stories and situations. That’s why I attempt to be kind to people. It’s not always easy, and sometime, like you, I fail.

Maybe I’m failing now and making too many assumptions about you. Again, I didn’t read the note so I don’t know what was in it. Maybe the note had a recipe for dog treats, or a map of the best dog parks, or even an invitation to a puppy play date…but I doubt it.

I know I’m failing at being kind when I say I hope you were watching me after you dropped that note. I hope you saw me look at it without reading it, walk away without taking it. I hope you felt as frustrated as I did that someone took the time to write you a 2-page letter instead of just speaking to you like a person.

And if by some crazy chance you DO find this, I’M ALL EARS! I’m happy to talk to you face to face about whatever you want to talk about.

The bad news is you still got to me. The good news is we both get to start over again tomorrow with a relatively clean slate. I’ll try harder to be kind, and I hope you will too.

Best,

Paulina

5ive Things That Got Me Through The Week

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

This book is 500 pages of Snapped and all my favorite Lifetime Movies without any of the D-list acting or eyewitness accounts.  Word on the street is they are shooting the movie for this book in Cape Girardeau, Missouri.  Before you hate Ben Affleck as Batman, you can hate him as a possible wife killer in Gone Girl.

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That Time of the Month – Rocky Starts 

Storytelling is a hilarious heartfelt medium and the best part is anyone can do it. We all have stories.  This month the theme was Rocky Starts, which I obviously interpreted as Shit Show Short Stories.  It was nice to hear everyone’s stories and know that I’m not the only shit show.  Submit your story to timeofmonth@gmail.com.

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Taking my brother to get his Driver’s License

Colton has been driving backhoes and bobcats since he was six, but finally he can do it legally! He even got 100% on his test which according to high school chatter is unheard of.  I made sure to get a good look at his face since I probably won’t see him much now that he has wheels and a can legally operate them.

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Game of Thrones

Big thanks to Zach’s parents for giving us their HBO GO password.  We started and got caught up on Game of Thrones and HOLY SHIT! I finally understand what all the fuss is about.  I’m eagerly waiting for Season 4 in April to watch the rest of my favorite characters get slaughtered.  Now i’m hellbent on the idea of a “Medieval Times” style restaurant but with lots of blood, gore and NO MERCY!

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Squeezing out every last drop of Birthday

It was hard to narrow it down to five things on my birthday week, but I was surrounded by good friends and fun all week.  What a great start to the year! How do you choose between a painful pedicure given by an angry middle aged Vietnamese man and getting recognized at the Cheesecake factory?  Or being brought homemade cupcakes with fresh duck eggs by Mary or being serenaded while onstage.  Or laughing at the attention starved family at a group reading from a medium or gorging on 2-4-1 pizza slices.  I got tons of gifts, phone calls, online posts, texts, and well wishes from so many people.  Or maybe my fave was the hibachi chef spelling ” I <3 U” in rice veggies and scrambled eggs.  I can’t choose just one, but i know I milked my birthday week for all it was worth.

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