45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

Disclaimer to LuLaRoe fans:

I’m not making fun of LuLaRoe, I’m making fun of my ADHD, anxiety, and inability to follow simple directions. Please no hate messages! I’m really looking forward to slipping on some TC’s in the near future.  XOXO PC

LuLaRoe paulina combow45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

  1. Yay! My first LuLaRoe party!
  2. Hurry up and let me buy all the leggings so I can start my new pants-free life!
  3. I’m on the page, where are the clothes?
  4. Where is albums?
  5. Why are there so many albums?
  6. These are all big shirts with girls’ names
  7. Why can’t I find leggings? I thought it was just leggings.
  8. There’s no way I wear “One Size”
  9. I can’t see the prints on this tiny screen
  10. This it taking forever to load, I’m gonna have to get a new laptop
  11. I can’t afford leggings if I need a new laptop
  12. I can’t see this. Do I need glasses?
  13. I can’t afford leggings if I need glasses.
  14. I’m just gonna search leggings
  15. Nothing came up when I searched leggings
  16. How did nothing come up for leggings on a LuLaRoe shopping party?
  17. I found the leggings!
  18. I’ll have to get an eye exam. How much do those cost?
  19. I don’t even have an optometrist.
  20. I bet Kate Spade has some really cute frames.
  21. Oh look, leggings with glasses!
  22. Ok, how do I add these to my cart
  23. There is no cart.
  24. I’ll just “like” it, maybe I can find it later
  25. Do people really buy valentine’s day leggings?
  26. If I got those I’d be wearing them all year
  27. This giraffe print is cute, but that one on the thigh would make me look like I have a penis.
  28. How do I see if they have leggings with pugs on them?
  29. Who do I ask?
  30. Is there like a personal shopper?
  31. Would it be easier to just make my own leggings? This might be a job for Pinterest and Joanne
  32. What’s the host of the party doing right now?
  33. Am I supposed to ask questions?
  34. I feel like writing bitchy comments on some of these
  35. I guess its rude to say I don’t really like the prints
  36. Nobody else is leaving snarky comments, boo
  37. Is this one of those things where I have to buy something or it’s gonna be awkward?
  38. Wait, the leggings have different names too.
  39. There’s more than one style of leggings?
  40. This feels like work!
  41. I feel like I’m the only stupid person who can’t figure out how to buy leggings
  42. How can I make it just show me leggings with animals on them
  43. I’m so tired.
  44. This feels like looking at wallpaper samples for my thighs.
  45. I think I’ve done enough tonight, I’ll try again in the next party
For actual information on LuLaRoe, check out their website. 

Missed Connections – WEHO Target

“Sorry, I’m not going to read your passive aggressive note.”

shit show short storiesTo the person who dropped an anonymous 2-page note on the counter while I was paying for my stuff at Target:

Hi! I’m Paulina. I’m not sure how many anonymous notes you left today, so let me describe myself to you. I was the tall blonde in a navy top pushing my pug in a shopping cart. I don’t know what you look like because you waited to drop the note when I was looking down at the card reader. By the time I signed and looked up, you were long gone.

At first, I was confused by what it was, since I was minding my own business in a crowded Target checkout lane. But then I saw the handwriting and the first few words about “Pets and Therapy Dogs,” and immediately realized what I was dealing with.

I looked up at the cashier and said, “It looks like I was just given an anonymous note.”

She didn’t understand “I thought that was your friend or something,”

‘NOPE! I just moved here! Don’t have any friends yet. Do you want to be my friend?’ I screamed inside my head, but on the outside I just shrugged, and left the note sitting there.

There was a lot of stuff going on in my head as I loaded up my bags, took the elevator down to the parking garage, and loaded up my car. Did I do something wrong? Should I have read that note? What if it wasn’t a mean note? Who the heck was that? Are they following me now? Why didn’t they just say something?

maria bamford target pug
“Don’t get me in trouble when i’m at Target, boobear.”

But guess what I decided?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t hurt you or anyone else. You saw me with a dog wearing a backpack (with whipped cream on his whiskers from the puppuchino he licked up at Starbucks) and you made assumptions about me.

I can’t say what those assumptions were because I didn’t read it. Just like America doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, I don’t waste my time on passive aggressive peace stealers (except to write blog posts about them).

If you’d used the time it took you to find paper and a pen and write me that note to talk to me, who knows what cool things would have happened. I was waiting in line for at least 10 minutes; you had plenty of chances to say ‘Hi.’

I can tell you’re observant! Did you also see the woman and small child that cut in front of me in line? Did you write them a note too, or does that not qualify? Did you notice that I didn’t get mad, or even roll my eyes at them? I figured they made an honest mistake and it wouldn’t hurt anything to let them go ahead of me. She wasn’t hurting anyone, and probably only set me back an extra 2-3 minutes.

Also, did you give notes to all the people who had their dogs in Target? There were a lot because they ALLOW dogs at this Target. But maybe that’s beside the point.

My point is…

You don’t know me. You don’t know my story or my situation, just like I don’t know other people’s stories and situations. That’s why I attempt to be kind to people. It’s not always easy, and sometime, like you, I fail.

Maybe I’m failing now and making too many assumptions about you. Again, I didn’t read the note so I don’t know what was in it. Maybe the note had a recipe for dog treats, or a map of the best dog parks, or even an invitation to a puppy play date…but I doubt it.

I know I’m failing at being kind when I say I hope you were watching me after you dropped that note. I hope you saw me look at it without reading it, walk away without taking it. I hope you felt as frustrated as I did that someone took the time to write you a 2-page letter instead of just speaking to you like a person.

And if by some crazy chance you DO find this, I’M ALL EARS! I’m happy to talk to you face to face about whatever you want to talk about.

The bad news is you still got to me. The good news is we both get to start over again tomorrow with a relatively clean slate. I’ll try harder to be kind, and I hope you will too.

Best,

Paulina

How’s the Weather Up There?

People (women) always talk about being tall like it’s the ultimate blessing from heaven.  I hear all the time, “you’re tall, you can hold your weight.”  If by that you mean I can gain 20 pounds before I notice, then yes.  But that just means I have a lot more to lose, which never happens. So I just keep packing it on, all while still wearing basically the same size clothes.  Also, I’m 5’9, and I have been 5’9 for as long as I can remember.  Not in my adult life, but my entire life.  For all I know, I have been this height since elementary school.  In my class photos, people would ask me what I was standing on. 

Need to find me in those group photos?  Back, middle….every single time.  In 4th grade, my mom sent me to school in a blazer.  I thought I looked very distinguished.  When I went through the lunch line that day, I was charged more than usual.  After telling the cashier I didn’t have enough money she asked, “aren’t you a sub?”  Beyond mortified.  I had been mistaken for an adult woman substitute teacher at the ripe old age of nine.  While I continued to grow and experience literal growing pains in my joints and bones on a nightly basis, my dad had fantasies of a star basketball player in the house.  The WNBA wasn’t even a thing yet, but he daydreamed about the college scholarship offers that would be pouring in my senior year, and all the NCAA games he would attend for free.  The only problem was, in my brief two year basketball career, I had only managed to score one basket off a rebound.  For those of you not familiar with sports terminology, that’s two points in two seasons.  Not exactly the statistics college recruiters are looking for in the next Pat Summit.  I just didn’t have a competitive bone in my body. Not to mention I wasn’t a big fan of sweating, wearing shorts, or being told to “hustle”. 

I haven’t even covered love life, which was non-existent.  No boy wants to ask out the girl in class who is taller than their mom.  Every once in a while, a shrimpy little guy would start crushing on me, and lay the charm on pretty thick, but I made a personal rule early on, that if I could see over his head, outweighed him, or could fit into his jeans, we could never be more than friends. Luckily, in high school the boys started to catch up.  I shed my braces, switched glasses for contacts, and started wearing make-up.  It all worked out in the end, except I still can’t walk in heals, and was forced to develop a sense of humor from my ugly duckling (or should I say giraffe) years.  So ladies, don’t covet another girl’s height.  Not all tall girls are models, and even the models had many awkward years before blossoming into womanhood.  Wear your stilettos proudly and say a little prayer for the girls who can only wear flats, because they would kill for your calf muscles.