45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

Disclaimer to LuLaRoe fans:

I’m not making fun of LuLaRoe, I’m making fun of my ADHD, anxiety, and inability to follow simple directions. Please no hate messages! I’m really looking forward to slipping on some TC’s in the near future.  XOXO PC

LuLaRoe paulina combow45 Thoughts I had during my first LuLaRoe party

  1. Yay! My first LuLaRoe party!
  2. Hurry up and let me buy all the leggings so I can start my new pants-free life!
  3. I’m on the page, where are the clothes?
  4. Where is albums?
  5. Why are there so many albums?
  6. These are all big shirts with girls’ names
  7. Why can’t I find leggings? I thought it was just leggings.
  8. There’s no way I wear “One Size”
  9. I can’t see the prints on this tiny screen
  10. This it taking forever to load, I’m gonna have to get a new laptop
  11. I can’t afford leggings if I need a new laptop
  12. I can’t see this. Do I need glasses?
  13. I can’t afford leggings if I need glasses.
  14. I’m just gonna search leggings
  15. Nothing came up when I searched leggings
  16. How did nothing come up for leggings on a LuLaRoe shopping party?
  17. I found the leggings!
  18. I’ll have to get an eye exam. How much do those cost?
  19. I don’t even have an optometrist.
  20. I bet Kate Spade has some really cute frames.
  21. Oh look, leggings with glasses!
  22. Ok, how do I add these to my cart
  23. There is no cart.
  24. I’ll just “like” it, maybe I can find it later
  25. Do people really buy valentine’s day leggings?
  26. If I got those I’d be wearing them all year
  27. This giraffe print is cute, but that one on the thigh would make me look like I have a penis.
  28. How do I see if they have leggings with pugs on them?
  29. Who do I ask?
  30. Is there like a personal shopper?
  31. Would it be easier to just make my own leggings? This might be a job for Pinterest and Joanne
  32. What’s the host of the party doing right now?
  33. Am I supposed to ask questions?
  34. I feel like writing bitchy comments on some of these
  35. I guess its rude to say I don’t really like the prints
  36. Nobody else is leaving snarky comments, boo
  37. Is this one of those things where I have to buy something or it’s gonna be awkward?
  38. Wait, the leggings have different names too.
  39. There’s more than one style of leggings?
  40. This feels like work!
  41. I feel like I’m the only stupid person who can’t figure out how to buy leggings
  42. How can I make it just show me leggings with animals on them
  43. I’m so tired.
  44. This feels like looking at wallpaper samples for my thighs.
  45. I think I’ve done enough tonight, I’ll try again in the next party
For actual information on LuLaRoe, check out their website. 

Missed Connections – WEHO Target

“Sorry, I’m not going to read your passive aggressive note.”

shit show short storiesTo the person who dropped an anonymous 2-page note on the counter while I was paying for my stuff at Target:

Hi! I’m Paulina. I’m not sure how many anonymous notes you left today, so let me describe myself to you. I was the tall blonde in a navy top pushing my pug in a shopping cart. I don’t know what you look like because you waited to drop the note when I was looking down at the card reader. By the time I signed and looked up, you were long gone.

At first, I was confused by what it was, since I was minding my own business in a crowded Target checkout lane. But then I saw the handwriting and the first few words about “Pets and Therapy Dogs,” and immediately realized what I was dealing with.

I looked up at the cashier and said, “It looks like I was just given an anonymous note.”

She didn’t understand “I thought that was your friend or something,”

‘NOPE! I just moved here! Don’t have any friends yet. Do you want to be my friend?’ I screamed inside my head, but on the outside I just shrugged, and left the note sitting there.

There was a lot of stuff going on in my head as I loaded up my bags, took the elevator down to the parking garage, and loaded up my car. Did I do something wrong? Should I have read that note? What if it wasn’t a mean note? Who the heck was that? Are they following me now? Why didn’t they just say something?

maria bamford target pug
“Don’t get me in trouble when i’m at Target, boobear.”

But guess what I decided?

I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t hurt you or anyone else. You saw me with a dog wearing a backpack (with whipped cream on his whiskers from the puppuchino he licked up at Starbucks) and you made assumptions about me.

I can’t say what those assumptions were because I didn’t read it. Just like America doesn’t negotiate with terrorists, I don’t waste my time on passive aggressive peace stealers (except to write blog posts about them).

If you’d used the time it took you to find paper and a pen and write me that note to talk to me, who knows what cool things would have happened. I was waiting in line for at least 10 minutes; you had plenty of chances to say ‘Hi.’

I can tell you’re observant! Did you also see the woman and small child that cut in front of me in line? Did you write them a note too, or does that not qualify? Did you notice that I didn’t get mad, or even roll my eyes at them? I figured they made an honest mistake and it wouldn’t hurt anything to let them go ahead of me. She wasn’t hurting anyone, and probably only set me back an extra 2-3 minutes.

Also, did you give notes to all the people who had their dogs in Target? There were a lot because they ALLOW dogs at this Target. But maybe that’s beside the point.

My point is…

You don’t know me. You don’t know my story or my situation, just like I don’t know other people’s stories and situations. That’s why I attempt to be kind to people. It’s not always easy, and sometime, like you, I fail.

Maybe I’m failing now and making too many assumptions about you. Again, I didn’t read the note so I don’t know what was in it. Maybe the note had a recipe for dog treats, or a map of the best dog parks, or even an invitation to a puppy play date…but I doubt it.

I know I’m failing at being kind when I say I hope you were watching me after you dropped that note. I hope you saw me look at it without reading it, walk away without taking it. I hope you felt as frustrated as I did that someone took the time to write you a 2-page letter instead of just speaking to you like a person.

And if by some crazy chance you DO find this, I’M ALL EARS! I’m happy to talk to you face to face about whatever you want to talk about.

The bad news is you still got to me. The good news is we both get to start over again tomorrow with a relatively clean slate. I’ll try harder to be kind, and I hope you will too.

Best,

Paulina

How To Comedian (just kidding, there’s no right way)

joanrivers

I don’t know if this is warranted but maybe it will help someone out . I had a weird interaction yesterday with another local comedian who felt I was doing comedy wrong. He decided he needed to publicly shame me over it. Maybe no one noticed or cared or maybe they did. Perhaps I’m the butt of a joke now for some secret Facebook group. It’s fine. I know that what I was doing appeared to be amateur and annoying but it did have a purpose. I was tweeting a picture of my upcoming tour poster to famous comedians asking them for a quote, or a word to describe it. Of course I know this isn’t the way to go about getting sincere feedback on something, but that’s not what I was going for. I was working on a funny promo video where I wanted to be able to add dumb taglines like, “Come see the show Amy Schumer is calling ‘WTF, no.’ and Jimmy Fallon has called ‘Who are you?” I could have made up fake quotes but I thought it would be funnier if they were real responses. A fellow comic on Twitter took it upon himself to reply to all my messages and to the comics themselves what he thinks they should respond. Stuff like, ‘BLOCKED, you’re not famous, I don’t know who are, this isn’t how comedy works’, etc. Ironically, this was what I was going for, except having actual famous people answer me was the point. I did get one fun response from Sinbad (who is awesome) but only after I blocked the tweeter in question. Maybe I could have gotten more if this person had stayed out of it. Who knows? With that technicality out of the way I just wanna say, don’t be a bozo.

Even if I had been soliciting real quotes from famous people on Twitter, who cares? If someone had a real problem with it, or was trying to save me from embarrassment, there are several ways they could have told me in private. But no, it was more important to call me out as stupid, than to teach or correct me. Sidebar, this person knows I have a Master’s degree in Mass Communications so I’m not completely clueless as to how social media functions.

In summation, there are a lot of people out there who are going to tell you you’re not funny, you’re not going to make it, and you’re doing it wrong. Whether you do or not is all up to you. I’ve only been doing comedy since 2011, but I have learned there’s really no right or wrong way to be funny. The people I respect the most are the ones who experiment and try things I would have never thought of. Maybe something you try will fail, but that’s why you get endless opportunities to try again. And fail again. Until maybe something works. Maybe you get noticed and a headlining comedian takes you on the road. Maybe you make a viral video and get a comedy central special. Maybe you get to be the next host of the Tonight Show, or maybe you spend the next 20 years barely getting by as a feature road comic. If that’s what being a comedian is to you, then don’t feel bad about it. I do know that all the people I look up to didn’t get to where they are by listening to what everyone else said. They took chances and found their own unique voice.

So do your thing, even if it’s not working right now. Work hard and refine your comedy. Try new things and figure out what you have to say. The beauty of it is comedy is subjective. Just find enough people who think you’re funny and create a fan base.

Mostly though, don’t let yourself or anyone else hold you back.

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