10 reasons February is the shortest month.

 

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February is the WORST! We’re glad it’s only 28 days.  Here are 10 reasons why. 

by Paulina Combow and Mary Jay Berger for Comedy Pug Hugs Feb show.  

 

  1. Seasonal Affective Disorder  – SAD.  Does anybody else get this?  It’s so cold and gloomy that people actually get depressed.  I seem to get it at the same time every month. 
  2. Valentine’s day  Don’t get me wrong, I love Valentine’s day.  I get lots of stuff.  Flowers, massages, cards, you name it.  I just don’t like to buy for others. 
  3. President’s day  Presidents get to keep secret service until they die.  Bill Clinton hasn’t had to drive himelf since like ’95.  Why do they need a holiday?  You won the ultimate popularity contest.  Good for you.  We get it. They call it the popular vote! And you get the electoral college vote.  So you’re cool in college too! Get over yourselves. 
  4. Carrying emergency supplies in your car  You have to prepare for getting stranded in your car in the cold.  My parents made me carry kitty litter in my car in the winter which seems dumb, but then one time I DID drive off the road and got stuck in a ditch.  I was glad I had that kitty litter because I had to take a shit.  
  5. Layers  You have to wear layers and thicker clothing which means you have SO much more laundry. It just piles up.  And not to mention my boyfriend’s clothes are gigantic and you can only fit like three things in the washer.  Mary’s mom still does her laundry so she doesn’t know what I’m talking about.   
  6. Oversized stuffed animals  what happens to them after Valentine’s Day?  I never go to a person’s house and see all their cliche Valentine’s crap on display.   Is there a place like the Christmas tree recycling at the park where you can just back up and dump them off?
  7. Person who hates love  We get it! No one loves you.  Maybe this is why.  Even juggalos find love.  Why can’t you?
  8. Flowers that come in the mail  1-800-flowers.  Honey, don’t post those flowers on facebook.  It looks like you dug them out of the dumpster behind Florist Gump. 
  9. The Olympics I know this isn’t every February.  There weren’t even any scandals! Nobody got their legs clubbed.  I miss when our Olympians had a backbone. You’re not an American unless you’re willing to club someone’s legs for a gold medal.  Tonya Harding is a true American. This Olympics felt more like a punishment than a privilege. 
  10. Kids candy  Kids are pulling candy out of nowhere all month.  A girl ate fun dip in the bathroom while i was subbing for a kindergarten class.  She was in there for 15 minutes and when I went to check on her she said, “almost done!”  She sat there on the toilet and ate the stick and everything.   

10 Weirdest Things People Have Donated to Goodwill (Pug Hugs 1/22/14)

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10 Weirdest Things People Have Donated to Goodwill

(Donated, not necessarily made it to the shelves)

 

  1. Custom made photo blanket with someone’s face on it – I can’t imagine someone would get rid of a blanket with their own face on it.  I could never do that.  Even if it it was a bad picture.  So I’m picturing a wife who got a divorce, she got rid of everything with her ex husband’s face but she remembered paying $80 to have the blanket made and couldn’t bear to just throw it away. Who did she think would buy that?  Just put it in the dog’s crate. 
  2. Prosthetic Leg – Aren’t prosthetics custom made?  Maybe they got a shiny new leg and thought there was a one legged person out there who didn’t care about a snug fit. It could also be used for pranks.  Put a sock and shoe on it and leave it sticking out from under your bed when you bring a suitor home. 
  3. OB/GYN Chair with stirrups taped to the side – This is one of my favorites.  Anyone who buys these needs to be added to the sex offender list.  It was nice, I’m sure that cost a lot.   I’d expect to see it on Craigslist but it was sweet of them to donate it. There’s a midwife out there starting up her own business who was thrilled to find that chair. 
  4. Dentures/teeth filled with gold fillings – Used dentures are trash.  I have to assume the person that was attached to them is now dead.  Who just gives away gold-filled teeth? Were these donated by a grave robber? 
  5. Granny girdles – Sweet granny lived through the depression and never threw anything away.  She knew there was a porky little middle schooler out there coming into her body who would appreciate these girdles. 
  6. 30 lbs of Mardi Gras Beads – This was something I donated.  I worked hard to earn all those beads, I couldn’t think of just dumping them in the trash.  I hoped someone going to mardi gras or having a party would buy them. They cost a lot at the party store.  But I didn’t see the point in holding on to them.
  7. Live hand grenade – Call in the bomb squad.  Oh I have all this old extreme prepper stuff leftover from when I thought the world was gonna end along with the Mayan calendar.  I don’t need this anymore, along with all my gas masks and 50 pound cans of creamed corn. 
  8. Old refrigerator with food still inside – Gross.  Burn it with fire. 
  9. Live baby desert owl – Awesome animal, but why would you think it was okay to take to Goodwill?  Do you think they have volunteers trained to handle wild birds of prey.  Oh sorry, our owl guy just left, the only person here today is the falconer.  This isn’t Hogwarts….we don’t have an owlery.  
  10. Urn with human remains – What a slap in the face! Not only did this person not have a grave but they didn’t even have a spot on the mantle next to dust covered silk flowers.  That does bring up an interesting question, are you supposed to pass down ashes to your children? I don’t know. When I die you can just throw my body into a ditch. They could at least scatter the ashes over a pond and run the urn through the dishwasher. 

citations and starvation

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I had a recent 30-hour road trip that was a complete shit show from beginning to end. Sometimes I get work as an extra on TV shows and movies. It’s pleasurable because I make money, meet interesting/ridiculous people and get to add to my “acting” resume.  I wanted to check out Atlanta since there are so many shows filming there that I love.  I finally got booked for a TV show and was available to go.  It was only a one-day shoot and not much money, but I decided to try it out.  The call time was 3pm so I left my house about 9am since there’s a one-hour time change.  First off, my tires were low and I couldn’t get them filled at the gas station.  Maybe my hands were just too cold, but it wasn’t working.  Screw it. I filled up with gas and went inside to find something fit for human consumption.  I decided on an extra large coffee, oatmeal and water.  The coffee and oatmeal went in my cup holders.  About 10 minutes down the road I noticed my cup holders were running over with coffee.  My cup had a hole.  I gulped down the coffee, blotted it up with an entire box of tissues stolen from a motel, and realized a loose earring was stuck in the bottom of the cup.  Ughhh.  In all the commotion I moved the oatmeal and sat it on top of my duffel bag.  Now that the coffee was cleaned up I looked over and saw the oatmeal dumped out onto my laptop.  Son of a B—–!  I pulled over to clean up the oatmeal and thankfully the quilted laptop sleeve kept it safe.  I ate a few bites of oatmeal before realizing I didn’t stir it all the way so there were only huge chunks of dried peaches at the bottom.  Gross. 

Two hours into the drive I was stopped for traffic.  It didn’t take too long to get around, but once I got up to the scene of the accident I looked over to see it was an overturned jackknifed SUV pulling an RV. Scary! Even worse, alongside the interstate were a dozen cages filled with PUGS! I’m a huge pug lover and active in pug rescue (yes they need to be rescued, they can’t survive in the wild!), so I hopped on the Facebook and posted on the National Pug Rescue page.  All the pug lovers swooped into action to find out where the pugs were going and turned out they were part of a TV show for FOX and on their way home.  They’re all okay. 

I finally got to the check-in site without a minute to spare.  It was 3pm and all I had eaten was half a gas station oatmeal cup.  Guess what, there was no craft services table! So hungry.  Luckily another extra donated a Cliff bar to my stomach.  We filmed our scenes until about 10pm and I decided I was too tired to drive back to Nashville.  Another female comic said it would be okay for me to spend the night, and told me about a show where I could still get some stage time.  The bar was called “Hole in the Wall” so I looked it up to make sure I wasn’t going to a bad part of town in Atlanta.  I saw there was a Trader Joe’s right next door so I felt more than safe.  “I’ll be the scariest person there.  I guess that’s where people go to drink when Trader Joe’s is out of Almond Butter. What do you mean there’s a two-jar limit?” Yep, those were my jokes.  The only problem was I hadn’t planned on spending the night, and the only clothes I had were workout clothes for the filming.  I searched in my trunk through a bag of clothes that were meant to be dropped off at Goodwill, but they were all summer clothes.  That tell you how long they were in my trunk.  No luck, I had to wear my leggings and racer back tank to do standup in front of strangers in a smoky bar. 

My friend Elise met up with me.  She’s a great comic living in Atlanta and everyone should check her out.  She’s opening up for Dave Atelle all weekend at the Atlanta Punchline.  I put her address into my GPS and we headed to her house to retire for the evening.  I didn’t even think to check the zip code and ended up in the suburbs.  All of Atlanta’s streets have the same names, and all related to peach trees.  I got her correct address and headed over.  She warned me there was a long and scary driveway. It WAS a very long and dark and scary driveway…about a mile long in fact.  I pulled up to the house, which turned out to be a mansion.  There weren’t any lights on and I texted her, “I’m here”.  “No you’re not,” she responded.  I had turned in one house too early and had been sitting in front of a stranger’s mansion at midnight with my brights on.  No big Deal.  I finally made it to her house, got settled on the couch, and spent 30 minutes figuring out how to turn on the TV. 

I planned on getting up early, going to IKEA and getting home before rush hour traffic.  What actually happened was I overslept to about 11am.  I got all showered and packed (still no clean clothes or toothbrush) and headed to IKEA when my phone died.  It was plugged into the phone charger but too dead to turn on.  To get it to charge faster I tried charging it from my laptop…still nothing.  It looked like I was running a Kinko’s/homeless shelter from my car.  I navigated my way through the twisty turny woodsy roads with only my keen sense of direction and love of Swedish home goods.  Finally my phone came on and I was able to find IKEA, but not until past noon.  Way behind schedule.  I feasted on meatballs and shopped till I dropped.  Finally satisfied, I was ready to get back on the road back home.  I was less than a mile away from the interstate when I got pulled over by Atlanta metro police.  Apparently I had made a right turn on red when there was a sign prohibiting it.  Seriously?  There aren’t any drug dealers or rapists that need catchin’?  You can just camp out by this “No right turns” sign?  Fine.  So I got a citation with a court date scheduled for my birthday.  Sidebar: I’ve only been to IKEA one other time, and my car was rear-ended on my way out of the parking lot.  That place is wonderful but cursed. 

Long story longer…I finally made it home just in time to change clothes and head off to host trivia at yet another bar.  Why am I telling you all this? Because despite everything, it’s an adventure.  Every day pursuing the comedy dream feels like an adventure.  Sometimes those adventures cost money and do damage to my personal items, but it’s the path I’ve chosen and the one I intend to stick with.  Probably not everyone chasing that comedy dream makes things quite so hard on themselves or is an eternal shit show such as myself, but hey, I always need new material. 

Christmas no no no’s – Comedy Pug Hugs

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We love everything about Christmas, but there are certain things that cramp our holiday cheer and we’d like to put a moratorium on them.  These are things we would like to see die, pass away, like Gangnum Style or Jon and Kate Plus 8.  Actually the 8 can live. Here’s our top ten list: 

  1. Potlucks at work-  The company is too cheap to spring for catering, and the guy you know never washes his hands after using the bathroom wants you to try his spicy meatballs.   “Hey, did you try my balls!?? Put my balls in your mouth!” We get it, we’ve all seen SNL. 
  2. Inappropriate kisses – my uncle acts like he’s gonna kiss my cheek and then accidentally plants one on my mouth. And my grandma always gives me a big wet kiss on my eyeball.  Hey grandma, I wear mascara now and you just licked it off!
  3. The person at the office who buys everyone stuff so you feel obligated to get them something- That’s the same girl who gets too drunk at the office party and cries because nobody appreciates all she does for them.  “I do so much for you guys! I spent hours making these oatmeal cookies in a jar! Just add milk!” 
  4. Homemade gifts – Anything you put into a mason jar is not a gift. Unless there’s a diamond ring in that mason jar, it is NOT a present.  I can make my own hot chocolate.
  5. Guy who puts the mistletoe on his crotch- Kissing under mistletoe is a tradition for people who like each other, it’s not a binding contract.  And I’m not coming close to your trouser snake, sir.  Please stop pushing me down and then squatting over my head. 
  6. Parents who get way too into Elf on the Shelf–  “Oh look, he put his feet in the flour and now he’s running all around the kitchen! He’s so naughty!” You’re just making a big mess and being nasty. 
  7. Giving donation in my name.  You donated money in my honor to Donor’s choose?  The donor should be able to choose if they want to donate their gift.  Can the donor choose me to receive the money? 
  8. Sitting on Santa’s lap – The same perv at the office is all “I brought my Santa costume. It’s just silk boxers and a hat.  Come get your free candy cane!”  Does that guy even work here?  You smell like a garbage can fire.       
  9. Decorate your car like a reindeer.  Yeah, it looks great, but It’s gonna get WET. 
  10. Posting pictures of your gifts – We’re SO happy you’re almost 30 and your parents still get you everything on your list, but some of us asked our parents to pay our car insurance this year, and they said no.  I got a Circuit City gift card.  I don’t’ even know where one is.  Antioch? I’m not going to Antioch. 

By Paulina Combow and Mary Jay Berger

 

Growing Up in a Nursing Home

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Has anyone ever had their grandmother live with them? Has anyone ever had someone else’s grandmother live with them? Because I have. 23 years ago my mom decided to leave her life of luxury, housekeeping at the opryland hotel, and open her own business: cedar haven.  This is my origin story. When my mom was on maternity leave with my sister she met someone who cared for elderly people in her home. Since my mom was also trying to keep our family off government assistance, she decided this could be worth a shot. My dad was a patrolman for the local police department, which doesn’t really pay the bills. As a small town cop he didn’t have to worry about terrorist attacks or serial killers but it was highly likely he was going to end up in the wrong place at the wrong time when a meth lab exploded.

There are pros and cons to having your house be a nursing home.  There are now four kids in my family, none except me have any memories of daycare or babysitters.  We always had a warm home to come to and a snack waiting on the table after school.  Home cooked meals and a clean house.  No latch key kids here.  Sounds like a dream come true, but of course there is a downside. 

Mainly, someone always had to be at our house with the elderly person.  The “patient” had their own living quarters, bathroom and private entrance but was still a part of our household.  Most elderly people can’t be alone in case they fall or there is an emergency.  This meant we could never go anywhere together as a complete family unit.  If we wanted to go out to eat or on vacation or even to a school function, we had to hire a sitter, which we couldn’t afford for the majority of my childhood.  Me being the oldest and dad on duty at night, I was usually called upon to stay home while mom ran errands, picked up dinner or went grocery shopping.  I liked having a quiet house free squabbling siblings.  One year I decided to use my Christmas money to buy hamsters.  Anyone who was anyone in fifth grade had hamsters.  I was pumped to watch them burrow through their little tunnels and run on their exercise wheel.  I had to stay home while mom went to the local pet shop which meant I didn’t get to pick them out myself.  I decided to just be a good hamster mom and be happy with whatever came back and love them like my own.  What mom came home with was two hamsters; one male and one female (check), food (check), accessories (check), and a birdcage.  Even though I had given her very specific instructions, the person at the pet shop assured her it would work.  Except instead of having tunnels and slides to play on they had a perch and ladder.  I learned to deal with disappointment early on. 

It was also hard to get rides places, ballet, cheerleading practice, piano lessons, basketball, girl scouts, I was usually dropped off and picked up in a police car.  Have you ever been dropped off for a school play, in costume in the back of a squad car? It’s not exactly the red carpet attention you hope for.  If we were in route and my dad got a call, I would have to ride along.  Guess I can’t watch the Simpsons tonight, gotta swing by the jail to help book an inmate.  I don’t know who was more surprised, me watching my dad slam a smelly drunk guy into the back seat, or the inebriated perp looking up to see a toe headed munchkin in a brownie uniform.  What are you in for? Trafficking Thin Mints? I put a hit on another troop’s leader.  Insider trading of achievement badges. 

Once my dad was taking me and my friend to school in his police car.  Since there were two of us we both rode in the back.  Dad ran inside the station to clock in.  Several minutes later we were still sitting there.  Finally another officer noticed us and let us out.  My dad had gotten carried away in the break room and forgot all about us.  Of course we were late to school, but they don’t ask a lot of questions when you roll up with lights and sirens blazing. 

I spent a lot of time at the police station waiting for rides to places.  They had a TV and weight room, and usually stuff to snack on.  You never saw anyone so happy to get their driver’s license than me.  Actually, you never saw someone so crushed when they failed their driver’s test the first time.  PS – to prepare for the second time around, I also had a random police officer take me along the DMV route. 

The worst part of growing up in a Nursing home is explaining it to people.  I choose to just avoid topics I’m uncomfortable with so I would just wait until a friend came over for the first time and let them bring it up.  Which they always did. 

“Who is that old lady?”

“Who?”

“The one watching Billy Graham on your couch.”

“Oh, her,”

“Is that your grandmother?”

“Ummm, no.”

“Then who is it?”

“She lives here.”

“What do you mean?”

“My mom takes care of her.”

“Why did she just pull one of your Beanie Babies out of her bra?”

“Those are hers now.”

I know what you’re thinking about this point.  It’s the question everyone has.  Yes, people have died in my house, and yes it’s super haunted.  It’s just yet another thing you learn to deal with when you grow up in a nursing home.