We love everything about Christmas, but there are certain things that cramp our holiday cheer and we’d like to put a moratorium on them. These are things we would like to see die, pass away, like Gangnum Style or Jon and Kate Plus 8. Actually the 8 can live. Here’s our top ten list:
- Potlucks at work- The company is too cheap to spring for catering, and the guy you know never washes his hands after using the bathroom wants you to try his spicy meatballs. “Hey, did you try my balls!?? Put my balls in your mouth!” We get it, we’ve all seen SNL.
- Inappropriate kisses – my uncle acts like he’s gonna kiss my cheek and then accidentally plants one on my mouth. And my grandma always gives me a big wet kiss on my eyeball. Hey grandma, I wear mascara now and you just licked it off!
- The person at the office who buys everyone stuff so you feel obligated to get them something- That’s the same girl who gets too drunk at the office party and cries because nobody appreciates all she does for them. “I do so much for you guys! I spent hours making these oatmeal cookies in a jar! Just add milk!”
- Homemade gifts – Anything you put into a mason jar is not a gift. Unless there’s a diamond ring in that mason jar, it is NOT a present. I can make my own hot chocolate.
- Guy who puts the mistletoe on his crotch- Kissing under mistletoe is a tradition for people who like each other, it’s not a binding contract. And I’m not coming close to your trouser snake, sir. Please stop pushing me down and then squatting over my head.
- Parents who get way too into Elf on the Shelf– “Oh look, he put his feet in the flour and now he’s running all around the kitchen! He’s so naughty!” You’re just making a big mess and being nasty.
- Giving donation in my name. You donated money in my honor to Donor’s choose? The donor should be able to choose if they want to donate their gift. Can the donor choose me to receive the money?
- Sitting on Santa’s lap – The same perv at the office is all “I brought my Santa costume. It’s just silk boxers and a hat. Come get your free candy cane!” Does that guy even work here? You smell like a garbage can fire.
- Decorate your car like a reindeer. Yeah, it looks great, but It’s gonna get WET.
- Posting pictures of your gifts – We’re SO happy you’re almost 30 and your parents still get you everything on your list, but some of us asked our parents to pay our car insurance this year, and they said no. I got a Circuit City gift card. I don’t’ even know where one is. Antioch? I’m not going to Antioch.
By Paulina Combow and Mary Jay Berger