This is a letter my mom wrote to her sister from home while she was on a beach vacation in 2001. She must have been having a bad day and wanted her sister to remember what was waiting for her in the real world when she returned. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Everything in parenthesis is an explanation from me.
Hello you ole beach bums,
I thought I would write and tell you about my day so you would feel real guilty for having so much fun at the beach.
We started the day by oversleeping. Gracie (me) came downstairs and said, “Hey, isn’t DeAnn (my sister) going to school today?” Never a good thing to hear. I got DeAnn to school and came back home. By this time, Grandma was awake and SCREAMING for coffee. I’m thinking to myself, you need one of those coffee enemas mom has had. (Important note: mom believes staying “regular” is closest to Godliness. Any problem we had growing up was chalked up to being constipated.) We get through breakfast and then Joe (father) and TJ (my brother) go to the farm (four acres of land my parents owned for several years hoping to build a house out in the country). This is good because I need to give Grandma a bath and go to the doctor’s office. While giving her a bath, I hear voices outside. I look and there is a police car here. It’s (Dad’s friend and co-worker) telling me Joe needs me to call him on his cell phone. (We had one family cell phone to share and only use in emergencies.) After calling Joe, he informs me he is stuck in a hole at the farm. His front tire is stuck in the hole, and his back end is lifted up off the ground. Now I’m thinking Joe needs one of those coffee enemas.
He also informs me that he has called (a family friend) and she is on her way to get him out. By this time Grandma has a visitor- a lady from Church. Okay, now I have a minute to pull myself together, but the phone rings. It’s my girlfriend, and she is in Allen County looking for the Amish, and she is lost. (Allen county is one county over from ours where there is an Amish Community. They have a few shops where regular folks can go buy homemade baked goods and other items from the 1800’s. My mom is thought to be an expert on this community among her friends.) We get really, really bad reception in Allen County; partly due to the Amish not using telephones (that’s not really how cell phone towers work). After several tries, I have her on the road to the Jam House.
Okay, now I’m back to getting Grandma ready, but by this time Joe and TJ are back. TJ comes in and I notice a funny odor. After inspection, I realize the kitten he is holding has sh*t all over his shirt and pants. Now I’m thinking that cat needs a coffee enema. I get TJ cleaned up and out the door again. Now I can spend my leisure time cleaning out the garage. I finally get that done and it’s time to pick up DeAnn. She looks so pretty today because she has on a brand new outfit…but what’s that all over her butt? Upon getting in the car, her teacher informs me that she sat in red paint, which is oil based. Great. We come home so she can change and then take her to the Methodist church for an after school program. After I get back from the church, I get to work on her skirt. Joe has a degreaser he uses for cleaning guns (yes, my dad was a cop AND gunsmith) that he thinks will take the paint out. We get the paint out and he tells me to hand wash the skirt. I wash the skirt in the bathroom sink when my hands start burning because I had the degreasing chemical all over my hands. I panic to think of something that will neutralize the chemical, and finally soak my hands in vinegar, then soap, then silverdean until they quit hurting.
Grandma comes home and she has brought me some coconut shrimp from Red Lobster. Finally we get to the table to eat when the phone rings. I want to ignore it so I can eat, but then I start to worry it’s Gracie, and maybe she’s been in an accident. I should have known. It’s Gracie’s boyfriend and he is crying because they are fighting. I tell him everything will be okay, just let me get back to my coconut shrimp. I do believe he needs one of those coffee enemas.
Now it’s time to pick up DeAnn, and as usual, TJ is naked. I put him on a pair of shorts even though he wants to wear blue jeans. We don’t have time to take off his work boots so I send him to the car. He comes back in crying because he peed on himself. Too bad…we have to go right now, and he’ll just have to wear pee pants. He cries all the way up town and back. I decided he is going to bed when he gets home. He finally goes to sleep and now I can go pick up all the toys in the front yard.
As you can see I need a vacation. But at least I feel needed, and writing this letter has been therapy. Can’t wait for y’all to come home.
The Crazy Woman in Kentucky
Hope you enjoyed a day in the life of my hardworking mom. In case you were counting, she issued four coffee enemas out to those making her day a little harder. This should help explain why I don’t want kids.